525,600 Minutes Later

Here it is, my entirely cliche but somehow still totally necessary goodbye-2015-hello-2016 post. It's funny, really, because the last time I posted on this blog was the very beginning of this year. I'm awful at regular writing schedules and even more awful at writing things I'm okay with publishing. In fact, if this post makes it to the very end and I hit that orange publish button in the top right corner, I'll be happy for myself. You probably also won't see a post of mine until 2017. Oops.

Anyway, I'm about to get really, really, really real for a second, okay? Are you ready for it? Here it goes: 2015 was God-awful and terrible and I honestly never want to relive it. Yeah, seriously. 2015 was filled with self-doubt and bad decisions and days where I wasn't sure I even really wanted to get out of bed. Now, I'm not saying this to garner pity. Nor am I saying this to cause everyone to question my mental health, but it seems to be a theme that this year kicked everyone's butts, man. I think it has a little bit to do with the fact that I'm in that stage of my life (the crap-college-is-almost-over-and-I'm-completely-unsure-of-life stage) and so everyone around me is feeling the same things I'm feeling and dealing with the same issues. I also think it has a little bit to do with our social and political climate that we're living in. It seems, honestly, that absolutely no one is getting a break when it comes to death, despair, ridicule, hate, and prejudice these days. Whatever it is, though, we were all feeling it this year. I was no exception.

However, in this year of pain and confusion and uncertainty, I do feel like I have been through a lot of growth. I hope to God that this year was a year of growing pains and not any other kind of pain, because growing pains imply a stronger, better me in the future. That's what I'm striving for, anyway. A me that's less afraid of taking chances, slower to anger, quicker to love, and more interested in the little moments of joy in each day than the mild annoyances the 2015 me seemed to focus on.

So, anyway, I just thought I'd share with you guys some areas that I feel I've grown in in 2015, and the lessons I've learned while navigating this awful and scary period in my life. So, here we go: the ten biggest things I've learned since January 1, 2015.

1. You're more capable than you ever thought you were

I've learned this so many times this year: in my relationships, my family, in my schoolwork, in my art, but honestly working at camp has taught me this again and again. Don't even listen to the limitations you have in your head, they aren't real. Seriously.

2. Take time for yourself or everything will start to collapse

I find myself more and more exhausted the less time I take for myself. This was something I struggled with this entire school year, and it reflects in my grades and in my friendships when I'm not taking time to myself. This takes time and effort to figure out, but once you know yourself well enough to start doing it, everything else falls into place a lot smoother than before.

3. All good relationships take effort, but not all relationships are worth effort

Relationships need to be cared for. It depends on the relationship, but most people can't just see each other once in a while and be fine. Relationships come with a price, and you can't be the only one putting work in to see a relationship grow.

4. You can be friends with someone if you don't talk for a year

That being said, sometimes relationships just work. You get together with someone you haven't seen in a year, two years, three years and it just works. Don't take these friendships for granted, they're special.

5. Just because you're not engaged doesn't mean you're worthless

This is especially a shout out to all my other friends that are single, in their 20s, and not really seeing much action in their love life. Opportunities will come. Focus on yourself, focus on your friendships, focus on your career, focus on what you love. You don't need a partner to complete you.

6. Give as freely as you can, you won't miss that 10 dollars. Really.

I've been more generous this year than I have been my entire life. Maybe it's because I'm working, maybe it's because I'm getting out of the selfish mindset that I had in highschool and the beginning of college. I don't know, but whatever it is I'm loving it. Getting to gift something to someone is so much more worth it than the 10 dollars you would have had if you had refrained. Unless you need the money for groceries or bills, give give give. Give responsibly, of course, but do it as often as you can. It makes a difference.

7. Joy is unexplainable, but so is grief

You can't explain why, in the midst of things being awful, you feel at peace. It's a mystery, but if you are blessed enough to have it happen, enjoy it. You also can't explain why, when things are going okay and everything is looking up, you suddenly are in mourning: whether that's for someone who physically died, someone who has been dropped out of your life, or a missed opportunity, don't fight it. Become okay with your feelings, however and whenever they come.

8. Crying is okay, cry as often as you need to

I feel like this doesn't really need explaining, so I'll just leave this here.

9. "Some people are temporary" is cliche for a reason

2015 was a year of letting go of people in my life. It's okay to do that, it really is. Let people be temporary if they want to be. Let people be temporary if they need to be. You don't need to love everyone in your life up close.

10.  Loving yourself is not a consolation prize

This was huge for me. 2015 was, honestly, the year I began to love myself, and love myself exactly where I'm at. I hope that, wherever you are in life, you can see that loving yourself is not something that you do just because others don't love you, or because you were bullied, or because you feel you aren't enough. Loving yourself is a mandatory part of enjoying and living life to the fullest.

I hope that 2016 brings each one of you love, joy, peace, and prosperity, but I also hope you don't ignore the ugly stuff. That ugly stuff can add to life just like the beautiful stuff can. Enjoy your New Years, stay safe, and maybe I'll write here again before 2017 comes along.

Until next time.

New Beginnings

So, the semester and year have begun. This is a time of scrambling, stressing, preparing, too much chocolate, and probably too many late nights that we promised ourselves we wouldn't have. This is also a time for clean slates, fresh starts, new beginnings, and whatever other cliche phrases you can come up with to indicate the inception of something new. Go on, be creative. I'm not gonna do all the work for you.

Anyway, this is the quintessential time for making promises to yourself, starting on the right foot, and all that jazz. A week and a half ago, I was totally sold on the 'start the semester right and hopefully not mess it up completely by the time May rolls around' idea. Seriously. I was going to do so good.

Of course, the way I'm writing this lends to the idea that my semester start was less than stellar. You caught me, you caught me. It was. I promise I started the week exactly the way I intended though! I got up an hour early for chapel, put on some makeup, met my roommates, praised Jesus, got lunch, went to class. It was a good start to a Monday, probably the best Monday morning/afternoon I've experienced since I was still learning my multiplication tables.

Then came 3pm.

I was sitting on my couch, minding my own business, having just seen my mom and had a nice chat with her after she dropped off my roommate, when suddenly I was hit with the mother of headaches. Pounding, dizzy. The room was hot, I was claustrophobic and tired, and all of a sudden I realized--I was getting sick. All my plans, dreams, and hopes for starting the semester strong went out the window and suddenly all I could focus on was not passing out.

Still, I tried. I went to my second and final class, left half an hour early, took nyquil, and knocked out at 7pm. And thus ended what seemed like a perfect Monday.

So, yeah, high hopes for a good semester only resulted in me groaning on the couch in our living room for two days with fever-brain and a sore throat. (Seriously, though, I had a fever. Of 103 at one point. I haven't had a fever since I was in like junior high). I was really gunning for a strong start, no absences or even tardies and getting all my homework done the day it was assigned, and I ended up with practically no appearances and no work done.

I guess the moral I'm pulling from this is that plans inevitably fail. You can try to resolve for things, map out perfectly how your day, or week, or year is going to go, make yourself feel like you're in control, but you're not. I'm not, that's for sure. We've all seen some form of this in our own lives, and I think it seriously goes against everything we want as humans: we want to feel safe and secure, have things be pretty and nice and laid out in front of us. Even those that seek adventure want the freedom to seek that adventure; they don't want to be tied to home by unforeseen circumstances or happenings of fate. Thing is, though, we often don't get that, and I think we need to start being okay with things getting in our way.

Inevitability is hard to grapple with. Things that are inevitable often aren't good things, we don't say 'oh, if you do this, you're inevitably going to get ice cream at the end.' No way, we use inevitable when talking about things like death, taxes, lying, cheating, and stealing. The connotation here is way over on the negative side of the scale, but I think we should pull it more towards neutral. Plans fail, inevitably, yes, but should we take that as something negative and crappy, or as something that just happens? C'est la vie, life moves on.

So, after all that word vomit, what I'm really saying is: I need to stop getting down when stuff like this happens to me. Because I did, and it sucked, and the energy in my mod was dragged down because of it. And I'm giving a call out to everyone: stay positive, don't let this stuff get you down. Human plans fail, things get in the way, everything gets tangled up and mess. That's life, and that's the beauty of it. Everything works together, in the end--at least I hope it does. I don't think I've done enough living to really figure that part out, but I have to have faith that it will.

Until next time

Things I've Learned

I've become aware of quite a few things these past five months.

For one, I'm terrible at keeping a blog. Like, seriously, it's been five months. I'm kind of ashamed, actually, because I swear I told myself at the beginning of the summer that I would become a more regular blogger.

That shows how good I am at keeping my promises to myself.

And honestly, that's part of the reason I'm even writing this blog. I'm terrible at going through with what I set out to do: whether it's graduation from the same high school I started at (big fat nope for that one), getting into my dream college (also a no, though I'm so glad I go to APU instead), or getting an A in a class I'm perfectly capable of getting an A in (seriously, I got a C in Pub Comm), I'm abysmal in the realm of putting forth the effort it takes to succeed. But I want to change that.

See, this semester has been a semester of serious growth, revelation, and intense stress. I've felt overwhelmed, under-prepared, and overbooked for the majority of these past five months, but this has also brought me into a growth that I didn't and couldn't foresee when I was blogging about my excitement for alpha training in July. I've learned so much about God and his love for me and his people, I've learned about his sovereignty and his plans, and I've learned something that's been huge for me:

God has made us passionate humans for a reason.

God has made us passionate, restless, hungry humans that desire so much more than this world has to offer and that's okay. It's okay to want to do something more than just get a good job and make a lot of money. It's okay to want to pursue something that might not pay off all your college debt. It's okay to love, and create, and cherish life without fear.

I want to do that, I want to live out this passionate, wanderlusting human that God has crafted me into being. I don't want to be scared by society or taxes or money or my college debt. I want to be free to live in this passion that God has given me, and I want to live in it fully. I want to pursue joy, and not fear the hardships that are sure to come of it.

And I want to be a writer.

Which is huge, because I don't think I've ever been able to truly admit that. Being a writer isn't safe, it doesn't pay the bills regularly. Being a writer isn't an easy way to skate through life. There are no hours, there is no security, there is no minimum wage. Being a writer is daring, and risking, and fulfilling. I want to feel fulfilled, passionate, and in love with my work every single day. I've come to the conclusion that this is the only way to do it.

And no, I'm not naive. I know this isn't a fantasy world and I still live on this side of heaven. Clearly, I will have to have a job that pays bills. Clearly, I will have to be able to support myself financially in some way. Clearly, I will need some sort of responsibility. But I'm leaving that part up to God. I'm praying that God will put a career or job that can support me that I will love in my path that will still allow me to pursue fully my passion.

It's a tall order, and it's not going to be an easy road from here, but I want to do this. I'm yearning to do this. I'm not good at keeping promises to myself, but maybe I can keep a promise that I make to the entirety of the internet. 

So here goes nothing. 

... Oh, and also, I promise I'll blog more regularly. Or maybe not.

Until next time!

22 Days!

So, I've been told often that I'm a leader. A 'natural-born' one so to speak. While I am sometimes soft-spoken and shy, I mostly live my life in full extrovert mode, talking and planning and taking charge in every situation. I've also been told I have a great voice for both public speaking and yelling at children. Which is cool, I guess.

Anyway, one of the biggest things I've done this past year in the way of leadership is apply for the alpha program at my school! Alpha is this huge deal at APU, it's a part of the Orientation program and basically what happens is every single freshman coming into APU gets put into an alpha group with an alpha leader. Freshman spend about 10 weeks with this group the beginning of their first semester, making friends, learning the ropes of college, and having fun! Well, I loved my alpha leader and the program so much that I was really really excited about applying, and even more excited when I found out I got the position! Now, this semester, I will be in charge of around 10 freshman! I'm seriously so stoked on life.

Before poor, confused 18 year olds are put in my care, however, I will have to go through this three week training process, and I officially leave for training in 22 days. Less than a month! I am just so excited for the opportunities that lie ahead I just had to write about it.

Until next time.

But First, Let Me Take a Selfie

I apologize for the blatant use of my own face here.

We are the Millennials, the generation pumped full of conceit and disgrace that we have come to be known for it. Connected constantly to our iPhones, living in our parents bedrooms, looking up only long enough to do the absolute bare minimum at work (or our unpaid internship that we swear will pay off in the long run) then proceed to smoke a joint with our coworkers in the alley outside. We will then, obviously, take out our iPhones again, flip our cameras to front-facing, and take the dreaded selfie.

As completely ludicrous as this scenario sounds, there are a lot of stereotypes given to those of us that just happened to spring from the womb between the years of 1980 and 2000, and one thing that has been criticized in increasing numbers in recent years is our generations fixation on the selfie. We seem to take more pictures of our faces than our environment these days, and to every one else in the world that is apparently a problem. The world views this desire to photograph our faces as one that is shameful, one that we should feel embarrassed about expressing in public. Well, sorry to say, but I'm totally calling BS on this.

Sure, we're the conceited generation. I'll take that if I have to. I would like to point out, however, just what has driven us to become this. Our generation, on top of being 'conceited' has some of the craziest beauty standards of the last century. With all the new technology coming out, we are pressured from every angle to defrizz, smooth out, slim down, and generally beautify our entire selves. We are forced then, if we do not adhere to these standards, to be subjected to ridicule and anger from those around us.

Bottom line is: no matter what we do, we lose. So if, in a world where beauty is absolutely unattainable and we experience shame for not reaching these unattainable standards, we as a generation can find ways to feel beautiful and want to document it: more power to us, I say! We should not have to feel ashamed of seeing ourselves and glorious, and we should not have to hide that we are proud of the way we look. We are put down if we are 'not beautiful,' and we are put down if we don't see that we're 'not beautiful.' Seriously, what is the point anymore? I think we should embrace our own version of beauty and love it! Take millions of selfies, never stop taking them, plaster the world with them. Maybe if we did that, the next generation will get to see what beauty actually is: being authentically and radically yourself.

Self Love

I, like most people reading this blog I imagine, can not remember a time that I have been okay with my body. I'm sure I was at some point- probably before I ventured outside of my house and came into contact with other people my age- but in the years that I can remember, I have constantly been battling my body and my body image. It's so hard to live in this age where appearance rules all that we do, and people talk about making sure you look good for everything from first dates to job interviews to going to trial! It's ridiculous how much weight we put on our appearances and our bodies- and even more ridiculous how we begin to become aware of these things at such a young age.

Over the past month, however, I have been working on a little thing called self love. It's hard, and there isn't really a formula for it, but basically I have just been reminding myself that I am 100% worthy of love, respect, and space no matter what I look like.

I've found a lot of hope during this time in the story of David in the Old Testament. For those of you that haven't studied the bible or don't remember the story, I'll give a little sparknotes version: Basically, God rejected the old king of Israel cause he was super bad news, leaving the nation leader-less. God then sends his good old newly-chosen prophet Samuel to find the new King at this dude named Jesse's house. Jesse's got a bunch of sons, most of them pretty big and cool and king-ly, but there was one named David that he didn't even bother to tell to show up because he definitely didn't think he would be king since he didn't look like he would be one. Turns out- David was meant to be king of Israel (and one of the best kings in the bible even!). It's from this story that we get this awesome verse:

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7, NIV)

This verse has been absolutely instrumental to me starting to shape my body image. God doesn't care if I'm 100 pounds or 500 pounds, doesn't care if my hair is shiny and soft or frizzy and tangled. God looks at more important things than that, and that's what I should be looking at too. Instead of fixating on my rolls and lumps, I should be focusing on my heart and attitude and the way I treat those around me. Those things are worthy of reflection, not the body that I happen to have.

xx Mattie

PS: For my poem that I wrote on this topic, check out this post on my poetry blog! Blessings!

God is Good? All the time.

First things first: I'm employed! As stated in my last post, I went to a job interview last week and I happened to be hired right on the spot! Rejoicing in the Lord for that, because I desperately need the money and the resume boost, to be completely frank. I have a little more information on the position, as well! I will be working with kids ages 9-17 while they attend what we're calling 'kid's college' over the summer. It's only a month long, from June 23 to July 18, and I will only be working for half the day, but it pays well and I get to hang out with kids and teach them some cool, useful stuff for the whole month. Totally awesome! What I love about jobs like this is the connection you make with the kids, and I'm super stoked to have my group and become their mentor (which, by the way, is my official job title) for the summer. It's super rad, too, because this is the first year they're doing this program here in California, so we're totally the beta version. This means I'm going to have a lot of input on the way this is ran and be able, hopefully, to weigh in on the various kinks we run into. I'm seriously so excited for this job, there is no other way to describe it.

Secondly, I've just been overwhelmed with God's grace and goodness recently. Ever have those times where you just are completely in awe of how awesome the God we serve is? That has totally been me this past week! I'm stoked on life because of it. God has brought me into a better relationship with both Him and myself and I am so grateful for his sovereignty and control over my life.

Well, that's the update. Until next time!