525,600 Minutes Later

Here it is, my entirely cliche but somehow still totally necessary goodbye-2015-hello-2016 post. It's funny, really, because the last time I posted on this blog was the very beginning of this year. I'm awful at regular writing schedules and even more awful at writing things I'm okay with publishing. In fact, if this post makes it to the very end and I hit that orange publish button in the top right corner, I'll be happy for myself. You probably also won't see a post of mine until 2017. Oops.

Anyway, I'm about to get really, really, really real for a second, okay? Are you ready for it? Here it goes: 2015 was God-awful and terrible and I honestly never want to relive it. Yeah, seriously. 2015 was filled with self-doubt and bad decisions and days where I wasn't sure I even really wanted to get out of bed. Now, I'm not saying this to garner pity. Nor am I saying this to cause everyone to question my mental health, but it seems to be a theme that this year kicked everyone's butts, man. I think it has a little bit to do with the fact that I'm in that stage of my life (the crap-college-is-almost-over-and-I'm-completely-unsure-of-life stage) and so everyone around me is feeling the same things I'm feeling and dealing with the same issues. I also think it has a little bit to do with our social and political climate that we're living in. It seems, honestly, that absolutely no one is getting a break when it comes to death, despair, ridicule, hate, and prejudice these days. Whatever it is, though, we were all feeling it this year. I was no exception.

However, in this year of pain and confusion and uncertainty, I do feel like I have been through a lot of growth. I hope to God that this year was a year of growing pains and not any other kind of pain, because growing pains imply a stronger, better me in the future. That's what I'm striving for, anyway. A me that's less afraid of taking chances, slower to anger, quicker to love, and more interested in the little moments of joy in each day than the mild annoyances the 2015 me seemed to focus on.

So, anyway, I just thought I'd share with you guys some areas that I feel I've grown in in 2015, and the lessons I've learned while navigating this awful and scary period in my life. So, here we go: the ten biggest things I've learned since January 1, 2015.

1. You're more capable than you ever thought you were

I've learned this so many times this year: in my relationships, my family, in my schoolwork, in my art, but honestly working at camp has taught me this again and again. Don't even listen to the limitations you have in your head, they aren't real. Seriously.

2. Take time for yourself or everything will start to collapse

I find myself more and more exhausted the less time I take for myself. This was something I struggled with this entire school year, and it reflects in my grades and in my friendships when I'm not taking time to myself. This takes time and effort to figure out, but once you know yourself well enough to start doing it, everything else falls into place a lot smoother than before.

3. All good relationships take effort, but not all relationships are worth effort

Relationships need to be cared for. It depends on the relationship, but most people can't just see each other once in a while and be fine. Relationships come with a price, and you can't be the only one putting work in to see a relationship grow.

4. You can be friends with someone if you don't talk for a year

That being said, sometimes relationships just work. You get together with someone you haven't seen in a year, two years, three years and it just works. Don't take these friendships for granted, they're special.

5. Just because you're not engaged doesn't mean you're worthless

This is especially a shout out to all my other friends that are single, in their 20s, and not really seeing much action in their love life. Opportunities will come. Focus on yourself, focus on your friendships, focus on your career, focus on what you love. You don't need a partner to complete you.

6. Give as freely as you can, you won't miss that 10 dollars. Really.

I've been more generous this year than I have been my entire life. Maybe it's because I'm working, maybe it's because I'm getting out of the selfish mindset that I had in highschool and the beginning of college. I don't know, but whatever it is I'm loving it. Getting to gift something to someone is so much more worth it than the 10 dollars you would have had if you had refrained. Unless you need the money for groceries or bills, give give give. Give responsibly, of course, but do it as often as you can. It makes a difference.

7. Joy is unexplainable, but so is grief

You can't explain why, in the midst of things being awful, you feel at peace. It's a mystery, but if you are blessed enough to have it happen, enjoy it. You also can't explain why, when things are going okay and everything is looking up, you suddenly are in mourning: whether that's for someone who physically died, someone who has been dropped out of your life, or a missed opportunity, don't fight it. Become okay with your feelings, however and whenever they come.

8. Crying is okay, cry as often as you need to

I feel like this doesn't really need explaining, so I'll just leave this here.

9. "Some people are temporary" is cliche for a reason

2015 was a year of letting go of people in my life. It's okay to do that, it really is. Let people be temporary if they want to be. Let people be temporary if they need to be. You don't need to love everyone in your life up close.

10.  Loving yourself is not a consolation prize

This was huge for me. 2015 was, honestly, the year I began to love myself, and love myself exactly where I'm at. I hope that, wherever you are in life, you can see that loving yourself is not something that you do just because others don't love you, or because you were bullied, or because you feel you aren't enough. Loving yourself is a mandatory part of enjoying and living life to the fullest.

I hope that 2016 brings each one of you love, joy, peace, and prosperity, but I also hope you don't ignore the ugly stuff. That ugly stuff can add to life just like the beautiful stuff can. Enjoy your New Years, stay safe, and maybe I'll write here again before 2017 comes along.

Until next time.

New Beginnings

So, the semester and year have begun. This is a time of scrambling, stressing, preparing, too much chocolate, and probably too many late nights that we promised ourselves we wouldn't have. This is also a time for clean slates, fresh starts, new beginnings, and whatever other cliche phrases you can come up with to indicate the inception of something new. Go on, be creative. I'm not gonna do all the work for you.

Anyway, this is the quintessential time for making promises to yourself, starting on the right foot, and all that jazz. A week and a half ago, I was totally sold on the 'start the semester right and hopefully not mess it up completely by the time May rolls around' idea. Seriously. I was going to do so good.

Of course, the way I'm writing this lends to the idea that my semester start was less than stellar. You caught me, you caught me. It was. I promise I started the week exactly the way I intended though! I got up an hour early for chapel, put on some makeup, met my roommates, praised Jesus, got lunch, went to class. It was a good start to a Monday, probably the best Monday morning/afternoon I've experienced since I was still learning my multiplication tables.

Then came 3pm.

I was sitting on my couch, minding my own business, having just seen my mom and had a nice chat with her after she dropped off my roommate, when suddenly I was hit with the mother of headaches. Pounding, dizzy. The room was hot, I was claustrophobic and tired, and all of a sudden I realized--I was getting sick. All my plans, dreams, and hopes for starting the semester strong went out the window and suddenly all I could focus on was not passing out.

Still, I tried. I went to my second and final class, left half an hour early, took nyquil, and knocked out at 7pm. And thus ended what seemed like a perfect Monday.

So, yeah, high hopes for a good semester only resulted in me groaning on the couch in our living room for two days with fever-brain and a sore throat. (Seriously, though, I had a fever. Of 103 at one point. I haven't had a fever since I was in like junior high). I was really gunning for a strong start, no absences or even tardies and getting all my homework done the day it was assigned, and I ended up with practically no appearances and no work done.

I guess the moral I'm pulling from this is that plans inevitably fail. You can try to resolve for things, map out perfectly how your day, or week, or year is going to go, make yourself feel like you're in control, but you're not. I'm not, that's for sure. We've all seen some form of this in our own lives, and I think it seriously goes against everything we want as humans: we want to feel safe and secure, have things be pretty and nice and laid out in front of us. Even those that seek adventure want the freedom to seek that adventure; they don't want to be tied to home by unforeseen circumstances or happenings of fate. Thing is, though, we often don't get that, and I think we need to start being okay with things getting in our way.

Inevitability is hard to grapple with. Things that are inevitable often aren't good things, we don't say 'oh, if you do this, you're inevitably going to get ice cream at the end.' No way, we use inevitable when talking about things like death, taxes, lying, cheating, and stealing. The connotation here is way over on the negative side of the scale, but I think we should pull it more towards neutral. Plans fail, inevitably, yes, but should we take that as something negative and crappy, or as something that just happens? C'est la vie, life moves on.

So, after all that word vomit, what I'm really saying is: I need to stop getting down when stuff like this happens to me. Because I did, and it sucked, and the energy in my mod was dragged down because of it. And I'm giving a call out to everyone: stay positive, don't let this stuff get you down. Human plans fail, things get in the way, everything gets tangled up and mess. That's life, and that's the beauty of it. Everything works together, in the end--at least I hope it does. I don't think I've done enough living to really figure that part out, but I have to have faith that it will.

Until next time